Cooking tips

Cooking is a fine art, balancing the different ingredients and cooking methods to make a culinary masterpiece fit for an Aspie. Smoke and fire are optional extras.

A pinch of salt is supposed to be the amount of salt you can pick up between your finger and thumb. I can pick up the salt pot like this. Trouble is it makes omelettes taste horrible.

A pinch of salt seems to be the amount you can balance on the top of the blunt ends of four pencils held together with an elastic band. It doesn’t include the amount that goes up your sleeve.

Pork chops are healthier grilled, apparently. However, don’t try to cook them in the toaster as they catch fire before the cook all the way through.

Which idiot came up with the idea of including 1/2 a teaspoon in recipes! Once you cut them in half they won’t hold anything anymore.

When it says fry 500g of mince, you are supposed to guess that you have to use a frying pan and not just heat up the scales. They are a real hazard as they burn for ages and give off really horrible fumes.

I like cheese on toast. I like my cheese melted. Tried melting it in the toaster but the cheese all slid off. Tried tipping the toaster on its side but it caught fire. Given up. Now I melt the cheese with a blow lamp. Tried cooking the toast with the blowlamp. Wasn’t very successful. It blackens it without really cooking it if that makes sense. It also makes the work top blister.

I bought a deep fat fryer. Couldn’t find any deep fat so we make do with sunflower oil.

That deep fat fryer is a real pain. Can’t get fried eggs out of the meshy thing without breaking them.

Always remember to take the lid off the fray bentos pie before cooking it otherwise the oven door flies open and it spits it out all over the floor. Doesn’t even finish cooking it first. Frightened the life out of the dog.

Don’t put the fray bentos pie in the microwave - even after you take the lid off.

Melt a lump of cooking chocolate in a bowl in the microwave. Add some orange essence (tip a few drips from a little bottle of orange flavouring - not the whole thing), stir it till the lumps dissolve.

Tip it over the kitchen table. Tell the kids no cutlery or fingers.

Keeps them busy for ages.

To make a tomato and ice cream sandwich.
It’s ok to dig the ice-cream out of the tub with a spoon and then bang it flat on the bread, but the tomato must be cut up with a knife. Scissors won’t do it and trying to hammer it flat leaves most of it on the walls and kid.

My toasters often go wrong and start smoking. When you take them back under guarantee the shops have fits of the screaming abdabs.

You have only had it two days! Where have all the knobs gone?

Why is there jam running out of the crumb tray slot - where is the crumb tray? What do you mean it bent when you were trying to get the egg out of the kettle?

I don’t think they have any idea how versatile a toaster can be.

Eggs should not be boiled in the kettle. It leaves the white bits that leak out of the egg stuck on the kettle element. Tea tastes funny for ages.

Milk should be heated up in the microwave - except babies’ milk. If you tip that in the kettle, it tastes funny. I think it’s the lime scale build up coming off in the milk. Tea tastes funny afterwards too.

Tip a tin of Sainsbury’s tomatoes into the liquidiser, with a teaspoon of minced onion and another of dried basil, and a good couple of table spoons of sweetener. Take out the spoons liquidise and tip in a mug or two and microwave for a couple of minutes. You can tell if it’s done because it starts leaking over the inside of the microwave. Dunk chocolate digestives, or plain digestives buttered and primula covered.
The tescos toms don’t work in this for some reason.

Don’t ever warm a can of beans!

The pigging things explode and spray the kitchen with orange sludge.

Tried it twice to make sure it wasn’t just a faulty tin.

I hate cooking eggs. I don’t like eating the shells. Have you ever tried peeling a raw egg?

Jam on ham is nice.
Get a slice of bread, butter it, add four or five slices of ham, spread jam on it and microwave it for 20 seconds or so.

Cheese and strawberry jam is lovely microwaved too!

Don’t microwave the jam in the pot though. The lids spark. I think the pots would probably break noisily if you left them in there too long too.

You can heat milk in it carton in the microwave. The do melt on the cooker though. If you are going to microwave the carton, you have to use it all in one go and you must remember to take off the lid first. If you don’t, there is a huge bang and the milk starts running out under the door.

Bacon catches fire before it goes crispy in the microwave.

Mars bar sandwiches keep the kids quiet for a while.

Slice them lengthways. Put them in a soft bread sandwich. Tell the kids to take the biggest bite they can.

Takes them ages to ungum their heads.

Blenders do not make very nice orange juice. Tried cutting oranges into quarters and blending them. Tried again with the lid on. Gave up as it tasted awful.

I think it’s the skin that tastes bad.

Once tried pineapple juice too. Not very successful.

Tip a couple of cups of self raising flour into a big bowl. Add some water and stir it till it gets claggy and you can pick it up - don’t forget to blow your nose and go to the toilet first. Keep rolling it like plasticine until it is uniform. Sort of stretch it out until it will cover a pizza baking tray. This is a non stick tin lid full of holes.

Smear a tin of tomato puree over it - unless your kids hate tomatoes.
Add some grated cheese; I buy grated cheddar as it saves my fingers bleeding.
Undo the lid from a tin of pineapple chunks and drink the juice. Spread the chunks over the cheese.
Cut up a pear shaped tin of ham - remembering to take it out of the tin first. 3/8" cubes are fine and they do not have to be exactly 3/8" or square on all the corners. Spread them on it too.
Spread a packet of Tescos midget gems (little wine gums) on for texture.
Add the contents of a small can of beans.
Add anything else that you think might taste nice - try to avoid stuff that is too runny.
Add another coating of grated cheese.
Ovenise it for 20 minutes or so.
Check if it’s cooked by poking it through the holes in the bottom of the tin. Try not to push your finger through it as it can burn you.
Cut it up with scissors when cooked and eat it off the table to cut down on washing up.

Once you have had a couple of goes and ironed out any problems that you make, get the kids to have a go.

Make sure that none of them put any pizza in their pockets for later as it makes a hell of a mess in the washing machine.

Bangers and mash.

Sounds easy. Its not.

Tried cooking sausages in a frying pan. The Teflon started smoking badly.
Tried microwaving them. They catch fire too before they brown.
Eventually discovered they are boilable. Stay away from the kettle; it doesn’t seem to stay on long enough even if you tape down the button (the shop now checks for sticky marks around the button when you take one back under warranty).
Bung them in a saucepan and fill it up to 1/2 inch from the top with water. Heat it till the water goes nuts. Turn the heat down and let it bubble gently. Occasionally hack one open to see if it’s gone grey all the way through. Tip most of the water out and add some gravy powder till it goes claggy.
Tried mashing a potato with a potato masher. It broke. So did the next few I bought. Never did get around to trying to cook the mash.
Instead, try tipping boiling water out of the kettle into a Pyrex jug and adding smash to it till it goes claggy. Add a teaspoon of butter - not heaped, and stir it some more.
Tip it on the table and scream "Its Mine!"
PS. If you want to feed them veg, buy it frozen and add it to the sausages. When you are ready to serve, stir the veg into the potato. It takes the kids ages to pick out all the bits. I have also blended boiled veg sot eh kids can’t separate it again.

Bangers and mash tastes nice with custard but not rice pudding.

Don’t try cooking bacon with the iron. It damages the worktop and makes the bacon taste funny.

When you start writing it out, I suppose I do know a bit about cooking. I’m smarter than I thought!

I like digestive biscuits buttered and dunked. Don’t mind if they are the chocolate covered ones of not.
I like them dunked in beans, spaghetti, custard, tinned ham (you need to stir the ham first), yoghurt, bananas - peeled, coco pops and rice pudding with jam.

The shop recommended I give up buying toasters as they all seem to be faulty. They suggested I try a George foreman thingy. Wasn’t very good at cooking toast, cheese runs out and it stopped working as soon as I put it in the dish washer. Haven’t got round to taking it back yet.

Pot noodles are really good as the kids have found bits of carrots etc. in them and tell me that they class as one of their five a day.

Note of warning, don’t stir it too hard because if you poke the fork out of the bottom, the water burns you.

Also, you must warm the water in the kettle or the microwave, because if you fill it with cold water and put it on the ring, it melts and really smells bad.

It’s like those cheap nasty cast iron saucepans I've got. Admittedly, they don’t buckle, even when the kids get them to glow, but it’s nearly impossible to get pasta out of them.

Toastie maker, I was using that George foreman thingy to make my toasted sandwiches. Trouble was it got grubby after a few weeks and wouldn’t work when it came out of the dishwasher. As I said, it’s still under warranty so I will be taking it back.

Trading standards won’t talk to me after I complained my dog couldn’t read the dog sh1t signs and kept going on the grass. I told them that they should employ an interpreter who speaks fluent dog. The woman was still standing there with her mouth open, blinking furiously with one finger raised as I left.

Next time I went down, no one would answer the bell.

That foreman thingy was better than the toastie. The handles on that broke the first time one of the kids tried to toast a frozen lasagne sandwich.

The shop was very good about that, as we took it back the same day and gave us our money back without any fuss.

Apparently, they have been out of stock ever since. It seems that all the ones on the shelves are phoney in case anyone nicks them and the new stock is not in yet.

Tip two big cans of condensed milk into a food mixer with a big tin of evaporated milk. Add ten drips of vanilla essence and some chocolate powder mixed into a paste and mix it. Add really cheap whiskey - don’t use good stuff it tastes wrong, and keep tasting it till it tastes right. I start with the neck out of a 75cl bottle. The result is very much like baileys only lots and cheaper.

If the stuff in the mixer is still a bit thick, add some more evaporated milk.

Forgot to mention that if you are cooking lasagne or cottage pie sandwiches, they get very hot and can burn you if you aren’t careful.

Empty a boiled kettle into the 2ft top round bottomed saucepan/frying pan, and add a few fist fulls of penne pasta. And a "pinch of salt", make sure your pencils are clean. Cook it till the pasta stops being crunchy don’t know ho long it takes but it’s over 10 minutes and less than an hour.
Empty it into a clean sink with the plug out. This gets rid of the water.
Shovel the pasta back into the saucepan and add milk until the pasta is all swimming and heat it up slowly otherwise the milk goes brown and lumpy in ht bottom.
Tip in sweetener. I use about a fist full and then taste it as it warms to see if I have enough.
When it gets bubbly, turn it down a bit and wait till it gets a bit thicker. Takes more than 10 minutes and less than 2 hours. I must look at the clock more often.
Add sugar for a crunchy texture, add honey, add jam gives it some fruit for 5 a day and makes it a better colour.
If you have too much milk and it won’t go, tip some into a cup and feed it to the first kid that wanders past.
Add grapes, plonk it in the middle of the table and yell "Its all Mine!"

For a snack, butter a weetabix and dunk it in the sugar pot or coat it with jam or marmite. You can dunk them in the tomato stuff I make but you have to be quick because they dissolve quite quickly if you get them too wet.

Fill a mug with porridge. Add some milk, not too much or it gets too runny. Add sugar, jam, and honey and stir it. If it’s too runny, add more porridge.
Offer it to the nearest kid if you are not sure if it is sweet enough.

One of the kids who is visiting thinks that big round bottomed saucepan/frying pan is called a wock. Not sure if he is winding me up though.

Tip a cup of porridge into a Pyrex jug with 2 cups of milk. Add a heap of sweetener and a few heaped dessert spoons of jam. Wind it with a spoon and microwave it for about 5 minutes. If it hasn’t leaked, stir it and microwave it some more until it tries to get out of the jug.
Tip it into bowls and add more jam and sugar.
Yell "Its MINE!"

If you have any left, wait till its cold, wind in some of those black things and add it to a sandwich with a cheese slice.

Those black things = Raisins.

Cut up a tomato with a knife into segments.
Tip some salt and vinegar onto a plate and dunk the tomato pieces in it with a fork and eat.

Vinegar looks wrong. Not sure why.

I am hungry, so I am cooking again.

A fist full of frozen mixed veg and a fistfull and a bit of pasta in the wock with a "pinch of salt", add a kettle full of bubbly water, turn it on.
Tip a packet of 500g mince on to the worktop and soften it with a hammer where it froze in the fridge.
Tip it into the frying pan.
Cut a big onion in half, segment it, and then cut it into rings. Watch your fingers or it goes a funny colour and add it to the mince. Give it 10 turns of black pepper and some hot chilli pepper - about what I can get on that teaspoon I cut in half.
Try to cut the onion up a bit better than I did. The bits are too big 1 inch squares.
Cook it on about half heat. Keep moving it and turning it so it all goes brown including the frozen bits. Wind the pasta so it doesn’t stick.
When the pasta (penne) has gone soft, empty it into the sink and shovel it back into the wock.
When the meat is brown and the onion has gone more see through, add a level teaspoon of basil and a tin of chopped tomatoes. Tip in a good dollop of brown sauce - about 2 dessert spoon fulls and wind it up.

Empty the frying pan of meat into the wock full of pasta and wind it up some more.
Sprinkle some grated cheese on top and melt it with the blow lamp.

Stick the wock on the table and scream

"It’s all MINE!"

The onion is a bit crunchy.


 

I never buy tomato soup as the ingredients cost less than half the price. I tried microwaving tins but they sparked quite alarmingly. Made me worry it might go bang, so I didn’t do it again.

Individual steak pies in the foils don’t spark though. We cook them to put in sandwiches all the time.

The wock is empty again

Squished crumpets in a toaster catch fire, and after the fire alarm goes off, then a 4yr old rings fireman Sam, then fireman Sam turns up pretty angry!

putting sage and onion stuffing into a kettle of water, just about works but tastes awful, and the bin men get a 2nd kettle of the week!

Mine eat the crumpets before I can cook them. They like them dunked in gravy - if they can make it runny enough.

Mine just hammered an apple flat to put in a sandwich with some cheese slices for breakfast.

Hold that. Silly me, I thought he had finished. Its now got a coating of peanut butter and is dripping honey at it waddles into the lounge.

Our toaster survived the hot cross buns this year.
You get all 8 and jam them into the two slots on the toaster and then keep turning it on until it actually spits them out and then you yell "the toasters caught fire again dad!"

Didn’t help that he spooned butter into the slots so he wouldn’t have too butter them when they came out.

It still worked, well for a few more days.

I found it full of burnt fish fingers a few days later in the sink. I think the stupid thing had caught fire again.

Haven’t tried sage and onion in the kettle. I can tell you that if you have run out of cooking space at Christmas, you shouldn’t try to cook it on the work top with the blowlamp.

It sort of burns. I was surprised because I had hammered an apple into it to keep it moist in the bird but couldn’t get it in because the stupid bird had eaten some weird rat in a plastic bag. That’s why I was cooking it on the work top.

If the kids won’t eat your cooking, get them to cook their own.

Just be ready with the fire extinguisher.

Next one is out of the shower.

All the bowls were dirty, so he got out a 2l tub half full of ice cream and added his coco pops, milk, honey and marmite before toddling off towards the lounge burbling happily.

He has taken a tube of Pringles as he couldn’t find a spoon.

My kid made a bird feeder at school. We hung it up on what was left of the washing line. Trouble was we only got those black and white birds. We had a look at the seed we used. It was black and white sunflower seeds.

We went in to Sainsbury’s and asked if they had any coloured bird seed.

 

Just eaten at pizza hut with my two and two more.

Forgot where I was.

Found this woman on the next table with her mouth hanging open staring at me.

The bits of sausage thingy on the pizza was too hot so I was dunking it in my bowl of ice cream to cool it down.

I had forgotten about the normals again. My lot didn’t look surprised, nor did the borrowed kids and mother. But then they have been in there with me before.

Took the George foreman thing back. They were surprised because they do not usually go wrong. They gave me another without any quibble.

They had one of those hand held stick mixer/blender things so I bought it.

I think it may be ideal for getting lots of bubbles out of the bubble bath stuff in the bath.

I ran the extension into the bath room, started running the bath tipped in the bubble bath, cursed because the water was stone cold and then remembered I still haven’t remembered to get any more gas.

Decided to try it anyway. It wasn’t working very well as it seems hell-bent on throwing the water all over me. I moved it further away and accidentally ran over the plug and ripped the prop off when it caught the chain.

I think it was faulty. I am going to take it back tomorrow.

I don’t think it will electrocute me as the electric runs around on the inside.

Just discovered that cucumber makes a nice tasting spoon for eating soft scoop ice cream out of the tub when you have ruined all the spoons.

Took the mixer stick that broke in the bath back. They said they were surprised the blade had got a big chunk out of it. I told them I caught it on the bath chain while trying to blow bubbles. They laughed and gave me another one. I have a feeling they didn’t believe me.

My 12 year old asked about tea first and got the job of cooking it. He cooked smash and midget gems, a large lump of gravy, some sausages in the George foreman thing - it leaked fat all over the worktop, and then got upset because the dish washer had all the cutlery and no one would wash any.

He shrugged and said never mind.

He got out the mixer with one of those cutting blades on it and tipped all the dinner in it - gravy smash, midget gems, mixed veg and custard.

We just drank dinner out of cups.

I feel its is important to buy from lots of shops, other wise the staff get to know that I can have problems getting electrical things to work properly.

Makes them a bit biased about replacing faulty goods.

Have been thinking about opening a tea house. Found a place I like with lots of space in a building as original as me. Been thinking about calling it the clubhouse and getting all the local clubs to host their meetings and entertainments there.

Not sure about cooking the ASDAD way. The smoke and flickering lights might worry the normals.

I had two of my friends kids come around for lunch as he had a job to do. When he arrived, they were dunking ice-cream and ship sandwiches in tomato soup.

He has never bought them back for lunch again.

If your toaster starts to look grubby, don’t put it in the dish washer. It really upsets the man in the shop as I think you are supposed to leave them dirty.

If you do wash it, don’t tell him - even if it feels dishonest as there really is no reason to upset him so badly. Just wait until it stops working and then give it back.

I have met some opposition to my opening a club house.

My best mate said

"Its Frking wooden! Don’t even think about cooking anything anywhere near it! You’ll bleedin kill yourself! Not even tea!"

Not sure why he is so adamant. Didn’t ask him why because he was almost foaming at the mouth.

What you need to know to take a toaster back.
This started a long time ago.
The 1994 Sale of Goods and Services Act
http://www.opsi.gov.uk/acts/acts1994/ukpga_19940035_en_1#pb1-l1g1
states:
(2B) ...the quality of goods ... are ...appropriate FOR
(a) fitness for all the purposes for which goods ...are commonly supplied, ...
(d) safety, and
(e) durability.
(2C) The term ... above does not extend to any STUFF
(a) which is specifically drawn to the buyer’s attention BEFORE the contract is made,(WHEN YOU AGREE AT THE TILL TO BUY IT)
(b) where the buyer examines the goods before the contract is made, which that examination ought to reveal, or
(c) in the case of a contract for sale by sample, which would have been apparent on a reasonable examination of the sample.”
(...= i shortened it. CAPITALS= where I reworded it. Link is the full act)

Shopkeepers are "normal people" who know little about the law. Most of them know there is an act but do not know its wording.

 

Right. How to apply the Act.
Social worker got very loud because my toaster was plugged in with three modified lollipop sticks. (Wasn’t supplied with a plug).

It blew up a couple of days later.

Took it back and said it was not fit for its intended purpose of cooking toast because you could not plug it in safely. Explained what the social worker said about frying one of my kids, said I want one with a plug.

They fitted a plug. It didn’t work. Told them if it doesn’t work it does not satisfy the act and I want another - shop full of people - new toaster and manager fitted a plug.

After I did that in most of the big retail outlets a few times, electrical appliances suddenly started coming in with plugs (balls. I needed a new strategy).

New strategy.
When it blows up - wash it. Try it while it’s still damp - switch it on, then plug it in, turn off the computers in case the trips go, drop the switch on the socket. It there is a loud bang, take it back. If it fails wash it some more until you can take it back.

The act specifically states in section 2 that the goods must be of a quality that can be used in safety and must be durable.

Obviously, in this day and age, it is obvious that all kitchen appliances must be washable due to bacteria and germs. The toaster contravenes the act if it cannot be washed (not sure if this is actually legal but shopkeepers don’t usually want to take that chance).

If the shopkeeper is still reluctant because any idiot should know that you can’t put an electrical appliance in the dishwasher, you point out that this is not printed on the box and was not part of the contract.

If they still don’t want to, tell them you will get Trading Standards to get your money back. If they still refuse, you either give up or take a gamble as to whether you can get away with it.

I notice that more and more food heaters are now coming with removable plates as they seem to be getting wise to this.

Shops usually seem to be in a hurry to get us out of the store.

It could be because the kids like touching shiny things and usually leave a sticky trail.

Another thing you might find useful.
Olley v Marlborough Court Hotel 1949
a woman took the Hotel to court because her expensive coat went missing from her room. There were notices in the rooms stating that stuff left was at the owners (visitors not hoteliers) risk but as it was not on view at the reception when she paid, the notices were not part of her deal with the hotel. This wouldn’t apply if she had stayed there before and could have seen the signs prior to signing.

This means that in law, if the warning is not on the outside of the box or bought to your attention prior to purchase, you are not always expected to know it.

I find this very useful.

Another useful piece of law.
Hadley v Baxendale and Others, 23 February 1854
In this case a steam milling machine broke. The owner got a haulier firm to promise to deliver a piece to a workshop in Gloster (I’m sure that has more letters in it). for £2 and 4pence the following day. It did not arrive for several days. The mill owners still had to pay their staff and also had to buy flour to give to their customers that they had agreed to supply. The courts decided that had the millers made the transport co aware of the losses they would suffer if it was not delivered the next day, they could have claimed the £300 they were demanding.

I know this sounds ridiculous that we could be affected by something that happened by chance so long ago but it does.

How to use it.
I walked into the shop the other day and asked for some coloured bird seed because the last lot only got me black and white birds.
When they sold me some, if they had not said it might not work, I would have been able to take it back and get a refund if it didn’t attract the coloured birds my kid had wanted to see.

I know this is a stupid use for this case law but it might give you some ideas.

Toasted Ice cream and ham sandwich.
Turn on the George foreman thingy.
Scrape the inside clean and wash it as it heats up as it comes clean easier. Don’t use metal as it gets the Teflon off.
Butter two slices of bread.
Balance one slice butter down on top of three or four flat pencils.
Put a couple of slices of ham in it. Put the other slice of bread on butter up.
Wait till the thingy is very hot - Try not to let the Teflon smoke as it is poisonous (so I have been told)
Scrape the sandwich off the pencils and put it in the thingy - on the black plates not on the bun part.
While it is cooking, tip flour over the lid of a margarine tub and fill it up to the rim with firm ice cream - if it won’t slice up properly.
Take the sandwich out of the thingy when it’s cooked - you have to guess how long, but smoking is usually bad.
Split the sandwich in half and tip the ice cream out of the margarine lid - the flour makes it easier to get it out.
Shove the lid back on the sandwich and eat it quick - you have still got to be a bit careful it doesn’t burn you.

I did read law.
The psychiatrists said my memory was broken.

I read law to see if I could get it working again.

Memory is still not very good but I did love reading case law.

Parliament among others passes Acts which are the main basis of our law.

The courts look at what people have done and have to decide if they have acted in ways that break the Acts.

The decisions of the courts are then added to our laws.

The things the courts have had to think about are absolutely unbelievable!

Kept me busy for years.

Just went to eat some ice cream for breakfast. Someone had tipped half a bottle of ketchup in it.

Tried it. Wasn’t very nice. One of my kids took it and ran off happily. He is now trying to eat it with his fingers while bouncing on the trampoline.

Settled for a bacon crisp and yoghurt sandwich instead.

I used a Muller lite with the fruit in the bottom.

That’s on of my five a day and the lite is my effort for keeping my weight down.

Sorry, the flavour I used was toffee because that was nearest to me when I opened the fridge door.

Going out now. Want to go to the local market and see if I can get a new string for my bow.

Have a lovely day!

Yorkshire puddings.
It’s a batter mix.  Milk, egg, self raising flour, and marge. Chuck stuff into the mixer till it tastes about right. Make it slightly thicker than pancake batter, mix it just before you put it in the over

The reasons they don’t rise is because:-
The oven is not fully up to temperature before you put them in
you keep the door open too long and let the heat out
you open the door to check on them _ never do this. The little amount of cool air is enough to make them sink.
Warming the tins prior to adding the batter helps too.
Cook them for too long rather than too little to stop them collapsing.

I feed mine Home warmed form Auntie Bessie.

Have you tried cooking them and then dunking them in custard and jam?

My little one quite often wanders around eating frozen pre cooked Yorkshires straight from the freezer
 

Have you tried Yorkshire pudding and a slice of gravy in a toasted sandwich?

A Yorkshire Pud is literally a baked pancake. You can do anything to one that you would with the other.

Guess what! I remembered the gas!

My kids will be able to sleep in the garden again!

This time they shower before they go out!

Get a big bowl; chop up about a litre of ice cream into it.

Peel a couple of bananas and chop them up and throw them in too - don’t forget to peel them.

tip in about half a punnet of strawberries - pull the green bits off them first though - mum used to tell me if its gone green, don’t eat it, so get rid of the green

tip in a bag of marshmallows and stir it all.
Take the lid off a big tin of mixed diced fruit, drink the juice and tip the rest in.

Add another litre of different flavoured Ice cream

Tip in some lemonade to make it fizz and then coat it with custard.

Yell "Its mine" in a quiet whisper. This way you might actually get some before they eat it all.

Tinned pear halves make good sandwiches. You do have to drink the juice first though.

You can just squeeze them flat with a flat frying pan spoon thingy as they do not have any pips.

Gravy is easy.

You bubble the kettle, tip some water in a jug, and swill it out to warm the jug.
Tip some more water in it.
Shake gravy granules (I use bisto simply because it doesn’t taste so salty), into it with one hand and stir it with the other.
At first it goes brown.
Then it has little bubbles on the edges,
then the bubbles go - it’s nearly thick enough.
Add half as much again and it sets.
Leave it for a few minutes and it sets so you can slice it.

Easy. Can’t think of any other way of doing it really.

It’s Friday!  

I just bought myself a bar of chocolate.

My little one just ate the lot and just said "That was a nice bar of chocolate. I don’t want any more now."

But...It was my chocolate coz he had the ice cream...

Going to have to cook something else now.

I do not like green pairs.

I think I need to find out where to buy the white ones they put in the tins fresh.

I’m hungry, so I’ve decided that I would have a go at cooking some Yorkshire puds as we were on about them earlier.

Been having a few problems.

I tipped some flour into a Pyrex jug.

I got the cheese grater and hammered the egg through it to keep the shell content to a minimum. So far all well and good. Was thinking about maybe a few more eggs as I had a whole box full but decided not to be greedy as the kids are shouting out in the garden and probably wont disturb me after all that chocolate(It was a half pound bar).

Anyway, I decided to mix the egg and flour together with that stick mixer that I just had replaced. I am now brilliant white, flecked with bits of egg.

Not one to give up easily, I tipped in some more flour and grated another egg.
This time I decided to add some milk before mixing.
That was fine until I found out the little sods had drunk it all. Six pints since 5pm. Only had evaporated. No baileys for me tonight.

It made it so thick it stopped the mixer stick. I took it out to have a look if it was clogged and pressed the button.

I have now got a light coating of evaporated, flour and egg.

I added the little milk I saved to tip in the coffee whiskey and had another go. It mixed. It’s a bit thicker than custard. Tried it I am pretty sure I’ve never tasted any batter mix like it, but that often happens with my cooking.

I turned the oven on. It had a mishap with a kid with a bicycle some time ago and it is now either off or 150 degrees, so I think I will be cooking at...

The oven is on its hot; I tipped the "batter" onto the tray I found. Its Teflon coated so I gave it a good coat of butter to help it stick, pre heated it and shoved it in the top of the oven.

I must remember to keep my head out of the way when I open the door as it burned my nose.

I just made some gravy to slice up when it’s cooked.

Things didn’t work out quite to plan.

The Yorkshires are sort of flying saucer shaped and almost shiny on the outside.
I tried to get the gravy out of the cup. It’s a bit thicker than usual (it’s in a cup because all the jugs are dirty.

I tried the mixer stick on the gravy. It won’t mix it. It’s a bit gutless.

I stirred it with a fork and cut most of the Yorkshires into strips wit a pair of scissors as I seem to have run out of cutlery too.

Now I can dunk them.

Hmm...
Not quite how they are supposed to be, but edible.

Vie saved one for dessert. Thinking about what to do with it as I eat these others....

Made Irish coffee out of condensed milk as I ended up wearing the surplus of the evaporated. I don’t take sugar in coffee as I don’t like too much sweet stuff. Well.....You know what I mean. I am not doing too well with this.

I drank half the coffee.

I know it wasn’t very smart, but the mixer stick needed a clean and the sink is full, and as it was coated with evap, I started it up in my half full pint mug of Irish coffee.

I cooled my chest down under the tap and broke a couple of mugs.

Now I can’t find the blister cream.

Couldn’t find the cream. Shut up the blister with a tub of ice cream the kids missed. Hang on someone is at the door.

Opened the door. It was my next door neighbour. She knows me and knows what I am like.
"Good Evening?"
Hello ASDAD. I heard some strange noises and wondered if you were ok.
"Yes, yes, I am fine."
Er...You are looking a bit er....White.
I look down and realise I am shirtless. Just remembered the mixer threw flour over me, and I am covered in ice cream.
"No. Everything is fine. Had a bit of a problem with some Yorkshire puddings, but it’s just about under control again now."
Did your microwave explode again?
"Er....It was working when I blew up some scrambled eggs in it this morning, but the kids have used it since...."

Does she know something that I don’t?

Sudden shift in to stern mother tone...

ASDAD, what have you been doing?
"I cooked some Yorkshire puds."
And?.....
"I bought a new mixer stick that threw flour and egg at me, I burned my nose on the steam from the cooker, I tried to clean the mixer in a big mug of hot coffee and it threw that over me too. I am going to shout at Trading standards tomorrow as the poxy thing should have health warnings on its box - even if they are still snotty over my dog not being able to read, the gravy wouldn’t come out of the mug and it looks like I will have to throw the mug away as the stuff at the bottom has set, I busted two cups trying to get my self in the sink, I cant find the blister cream - not that I need it now as Vie found ice cream works just as well, Vie ate the puds except one I saved for dessert and was just stuffing that one with ice cream to make sure that nothing else burned me when you knocked on the door. Would you like to share it?"

You cooked it? Er...No. I still haven’t got over that pasta you cooked on the barbeque a few years ago. I am sure you will find it delicious though.
Where are your kids?

I listen carefully.
I could hear one snoring and the rhythmic thumping from the other.

"One is still beating his head on the washing line; the other is asleep in his hut."
You can tell when he is beating the washing line, it’s a slightly lower note than when the other does it and has a slight rattle from the rivets. The wall sounds different.

"So everything is really fine then".
I think that was a question even though it did not go up at the end.

"Yes. Fine."
Why were you wandering around in the market this morning with a big bow and no arrows?
"MY string broke and I went to get another."
Why didn’t I think of that?
Don’t think she really wanted an answer.
"Would you like a coffee?"
I would rather not. Any way as everything is ok I will leave you to enjoy your Yorkshires and ice cream.
"Have a good evening."

It’s nice to have understanding neighbours.

It tasted fine with ice cream in it.

I bit a piece out of the side and chopped up the middle with scissors and stuffed it full of ice cream by hand.

 Vie now had enough.

I am going to wash off all this stuff in the hot water as I have some gas, and then drink what’s left of my cold Irish coffee in front of the box, if I can get to it in amongst all the mess the kids made today.

My little one has just made himself a bowl of rice crispies and smokey bacon crisps in condensed milk and honey.

Just asked him if he thinks that will be nice.

"I not sure. Someone (poining at me), forgot to get enuff milk and shoog again!"

It’s clear up day today!

"IM A GOOD !!!!!!!!!"

I think she wanted to reassure herself the kids were fine.

I know she does not understand how any of my family function. So I have told her that any time she is worried, she should come around - night or day, and I will wait outside while she checks up on them.

She has sorted out that I am not dangerous - I think. And she turns up periodically when we are being noisier than usual.

Once she is sure the kids are still breathing and not bleeding from anything not self inflicted, she goes home happy.

Saves visits from the police, SS, etc.

 
I have 3 emotions.

Normal - this is where I can think and function properly.

Very happy, this is where I have an aching face and there is all this
"eeeeeeee" sound going on through my head which stops me thinking.
I don’t like not being able to think, so I need to do something to get me back to normal. If no one is looking I will bang my head on something or just punch it trying to get it to stop "eeeeeeeing".
If there are people looking I will try to get away without freaking them too much - normals also worry if you run away when you are happy for some reason.
If I cant I usually chew the inside of my cheeks. The pain is sometimes enough but not as good somehow as hammering your head on a wall or floor. Have to remember not to smile as Vie had people spot the blood on my teeth. Not good as they usually seem to need an explanation and brain not working to give them one they can accept.

Very upset feels much like really happy only usually harder to break and can shut you down completely if you don’t get it sorted out fast enough. I usually end up bleeding with this one.

It’s a lovely normal feeling day today and Vie got to clear up! That woman’s jaw dropped last night when she saw the state of my kitchen.
Have fun!
 

Rubbish cleared from lounge - 2 carrier bags, lounge bedding packed away, floor noo nood, clothes dumped in kitchen.

Rubbish cleared from kitchen, dish washer emptied, refilled and more jammed in, tumble drier emptied, clothes folded and put away, refilled from washing machine, washing machine refilled and on, sink cleared of pasta and egg shell, worktops cleared, scrubbed and polished with cupboard doors kitchen table scraped clean and scrubbed, dried off with blow lamp and polished.

Hall cleared, skateboards, coats, balls, shoes and rubbish put away, floor noo nood.

Stairs cleared - found my binoculars!, comics books and clothes all dealt with, boxes from new toaster and George foreman and stick mixer put in spare room for when they break.

Bedrooms cleared, toys put away, clothes and bedding down to be washed, clean stuff back on the beds and made, floors noo nood.

Bathroom cleared of comics, books and empty shampoo and bubble bath bottles, extension lead put away, mirrors scrubbed, bog cleaned, disinfectant tipped over carpet by bog as house full of boys.

Loose rubbish cleared from garden, kitchen floor left because of the 2 ft high pile of clothes and bedding.

Hmmm....

Housework done. Breakfast and comics here we come!

That’s me full.
Did the Suduko in the express in 8 mines. They reckoned on 23. Should have taken me under 7. Not thinking too straight today. Must be worried about something.

Hmm... Need to think about that.

I have had a few problems with the police. They have always been fine.

Once I had phone argument with the wife when we lived in the same house.

On the way home I stopped and told the step kids, their friend who was staying and one of my friends that I was going to do some strange things and explained exactly what.

The kids were sitting in the living room when she phoned the police because I was playing golf with her ornaments on the dining room table with a sledge hammer. I had opened the window and was knocking the stuff out onto the lawn/mud.

I was waiting for them on the road outside, with the sledge hammer over my shoulder and all the Alsatians sitting at my feet.

The copper wound down his window and asked "Are you the one we have come to see?"
Probably. I said smiling.
"Er....Is it safe for us to get out of the van?"

Of course. Would you like tea or Coffee?

"Er.... Tea please, two sugars."

Are your family ok?

Yes. The wife irritated me and I tried a new approach.

"Er.... We heard. Are there any children in the house?"

Yes. They are watching telly.

"Do you mind if my associate speaks to them?"

I have no problem with that. Please make sure that you ask them if they knew what I was going to do tonight when we got back and if they were worried about it.

"Er.....You are telling us you told them in advance that you were going to throw her stuff out of the window?"

No. they knew I was going to knock her stuff out the window with this sledge hammer and do some screaming. Now Vie finished, I will cook them some tea (I know it was hiding stuff not to tell the police what I was going to cook for tea, but they were looking rather nervous as it was).

Here is your tea. The wife is upstairs. I am going to put some dents in my car with this hammer.

"Er....Do you think you are likely to hit any people with that?"

No! They might bleed and I don’t like blood very much.

"Er...Fine. Please stay there until we have finished talking to everyone."

Ok. See you in a minute.

"Well, it seems everything here is fine, the kids are fine, she is ok. Are you going to break any more of her ornaments?"

Nope. She seems to have run out.

"Er....Very good. Er... Well have a good evening sir. We are leaving now."

Thank you.

I am not sure what happens when they visit other people but I don’t seem to have any problems with them. Probably because I am so calm.

Just had a call from her. She wants us to go over for dinner. Hope it’s not for a few hours as I am still full of breakfast.

I'm sorry. Had a call from my wife.

She has a new laptop and has no idea what to do with it. She is  not technically minded.

I spent hours loading hundreds of family vids and photos on it for her.

She made me a promise if I would.

I think it should be made illegal for a woman to change her mind after getting what she wants!

I suppose I am on to a loser on this score here.

I only do housework on Sunday morning.

I get up. I sort out anything I need to do before I disturb them, and then I turn off the TVs and start yelling "I'm a Good!"

Kids want to think they are good too so they do their chores so they can be goods too. I know it sounds stupid, but it really works.

My youngest one has to empty the dishwasher and re fill it (I did it today); He also has to clear the lounge floor of clothes, plates, crisp wrappers, etc. He then has to clear his older brother’s room and empty the bathroom and bedroom bins.

My oldest one has to vacuum the whole house. He also has to empty the kitchen bins and put the clean clothes away. If he finishes in time, he has to clear his brother’s room before vacuuming it.

My job is to clear the kitchen worktops, table, floor, do all the washing, tumble drying, folding (I can’t see the point in ironing and never do any), polish all the worktops, cupboard doors and wash the floor.
I also deal with the toilet and hygiene issues in the bathroom, and anything that is not suitable for my kids to do.

Once a fortnight we strip all the beds and remake them. In the summer my oldest cuts the grass and the youngest moves all the toys out of the way.

We all muck in to clean the car when it needs doing. Oldest vacuums, youngest takes out all the rubbish, I clean the glass.

I know it sounds stupid, but this system really works. Because the kids are responsible for clearing up "Their" areas, they don’t make nearly as much mess.

It took me nearly 18 months of continual work on Sunday mornings to get this working properly, But now we can do our housework in 2 hours flat.

Periodically yelling "I am a good" is very important as it brings them back into focus on what they are supposed to be doing. They also shout it back. Helps me track where they are without following them.

Had to teach them how to clear an area before expecting them to do it on their own as it isn’t obvious. Taught them how to start on the opposite corner from the door and push the rubbish and things that do not belong out in front of them and put the rest away as they progress across the floor (their rooms are often really that bad).

Then there is the carrot...

If they do a good job, it is worth a dandy and a beano to share, and a breakfast at Sainsbury’s. They sit at their own table, and spread out their "Papers" and eat their food like little adults. They practice their reading as part of their reward and don’t even realise it!

This gives us the rest of the day to go see mum or go out to play.

Makes my life easy!


 

The Conchiglie pasta didn’t go quite the way I expected.

My little one grabbed a fist full tonight and took them out to watch a frog he had seen out in the garden.

Unfortunately, he dropped a couple on the floor. The oldest one liked the crunchy sound you get when you ride a muddy mountain bike over them.

They ended up lining them up like dominoes across the kitchen floor and making passes on their bikes.

They didn’t even save me one for mixing. The floor is noisy to walk on and I am not risking taking off my boots in case I cut my feet.

Now I know what conchigle pasta is....

Boil some water in the kettle, tip it in the wock.

Add a dessert spoon of virgin oil - can’t help wondering where they get that from.

Heat it till it starts bubbling. Chuck a fist full or two of conchi pasta into it.

Stir it once so it doesn’t stick. Don’t turn the heat down till it gets bubbly again, then just turn it down enough that it stays in the wock.

Hack up a peeled tin of pear shaped ham into cubes; don’t worry if they are not all exactly the same size or shape.

Fill the kettle with water and boil it again.
Swill a Pyrex mixing bowl with boiling water and empty it, then fill it half way.

Stir in bisto cheese sauce mix until it thickens to something like custard - gravy thickness is far too thick.

Tip in the ham and stir it.

When the pasta has gone soggy, clean out the sink and empty the wock into it with the plug out. Scrape the pasta out of the sink and into the jug with the cheese and ham. If you have judged it right, it will fill it almost to the top.

Add some grapes. I know mother said don’t eat it if it goes green, but I make an exception with grapes and cucumber, and give it a stir.

Scream "Its mine!" and go and hide under a bed with it. When they arrive tell them they can’t have any if they haven’t got a spoon.

Keep wriggling to make it harder for them to nick it.

If you are not going to share this with the kids, add some chilli powder to the cheese and stir it before you add the ham pasta and grapes.

This tastes nice cold in sandwiches too - personally I prefer it in sands with the chilli powder. Kids prefer it the other way.

It’s snowing so I want to buy a boat.

It wasn’t me.

I deny any knowledge.

Some idiot just tried putting the blowlamp over the whiskey to see if the alcohol was flammable and set fire to the whiskey and a pile of school books.

As I said. It wasn’t me.

The fire alarms have all shut up now. The neighbour has gone home again and the kids are back in bed.

This floor desperately needs cleaning.

With a shovel. If it gets much worse, I am going to have to wipe my wellies on the way out.

I just hurt my eye.

I was chucking midget gems up in the air and trying to catch them like the dog does.

It hit me in the eye.

I am usually quite good at this as I practice each time I go to Pizza hut with their smarties.

I tried it with Quality Street one day and nearly knocked my teeth out.

Don’t try eating a sandwich made of quality street toffees.  

Not one of my better ideas.